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Old 28.03.2004, 15:10   #1
The Reloaded
 
Aram Hambardzumyan's Avatar
 
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Default еще одна пародия на матрицу

взято с http://ter.air0day.com/print2.php?script=matrixreloaded



The Matrix Reloaded: The Abridged Script


Rating: 3.5/5 Stars
FADE IN:

EXT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CITY STREET

A computer model of CARRIE-ANNE MOSS with an inhuman-looking face flies out of a window, shoots at an agent, and is killed.

INT. THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR - BLUE

KEANU REEVES wakes up from his nightmare. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, played by a human being, is laying next to him.

KEANU REEVES
Whoa.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
What's the matter? Did you wet the bed again?

KEANU REEVES
I had this dream. You flew out of a window in slow-motion and shot at an agent and he killed you.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Well of course you dreamed that - you've gone online and watched the Matrix Reloaded trailer like fifty times in the past two days.

KEANU REEVES
Did you see the computer generated me fight all those Agent Smiths? It was awesome! I'm gonna go hack in and watch it again now.

INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE SEWER

LAURENCE FISHBURNE, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, and KEANU REEVES join #SewerChat with all the other rebels.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Gimme ops! I want ops!

JADA PINKETT SMITH
Shut up. Listen everyone. The Osiris has sent a transmission - the machines are drilling straight down to Zion. It's a wonder they didn't think to do this sooner.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Ops! Ops! Ops!

JADA PINKETT SMITH
Fine! Jesus.

* SexyJada69 sets mode: +o TheOneBeliever.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Woohoo!

* SexyJada69 was kicked by TheOneBeliever (Don't hog ops!)
* Joins: SexyJada69

JADA PINKETT SMITH
Not funny.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Sorry. Okay, everyone. I believe the Gloria Foster will contact us soon, so I need one ship to stay back here and be available if she makes contact. This goes directly against the order of our military commander, but he's a total dick, so **** him.

* SexyJada69 has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com)
* -[Ghost]- has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com)
* StokChar02 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com)
* StokChar01 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com)
* TheOne has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net irc.thematrix.com)
* Trin303 has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net irc.thematrix.com)

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Oh ****.

* Joins: -[Ghost]-
* Joins: StokChar02
* Joins: TheOne
* Joins: AgentJohnson
* Joins: Trin303
* Joins: StokChar01
* Joins: AgentJackson
* Joins: SexyJada69
* irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJohnson
* irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJackson
* AgentJackson sets mode: -o TheOneBeliever
* AgentJohnson changes topic to 'Th3 M4tr1x h4s j00 h4h4!!1!'

JADA PINKETT SMITH
Agents! Get the hell out of here!

* Parts: SexyJada69
* Parts: StokChar01
* Parts: StokChar02
* Parts: Trin303
* Parts: TheOneBeliever
* Parts: -[Ghost]-

KEANU REEVES
I don't feel the slightest bit intimidated, and as a result the audience feels absolutely no danger.

AGENT JACKSON
That's a shame, since this is the first fight scene and should really get them hyperventilating.

They use kung fu and KEANU beats the crap out of the AGENTS and flies away.

INT. ZION

All of the ships head to ZION. Nothing happens for a while. Characters talk to other characters. Eventually, there is an erotic rave scene, but it too is somewhat boring. The AUDIENCE goes to sleep.

AUDIENCE
This is what they're fighting to save? It ****s! Wake me when they're back in the matrix.

Eventually, GLORIA FOSTER contacts KEANU, and they visit her.

EXT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR PARK

KEANU sits down next to GLORIA FOSTER after fighting SING NGAI for no good reason.

GLORIA FOSTER
Hello Keanu. My dialogue this time around isn't anywhere near as well written as the last time we talked, so let me get to the chase. I'm a program, all of your decisions have already been made, Trinity is going to die, and you need to find Randall Duk Kim. Gotta run!

KEANU REEVES
Got it. Hey, have you seen that spoon-bending kid from before? There haven't been any cool quotable phrases in this movie and I think he could help.

GLORA shakes her head and leaves.

HUGO WEAVING
Mr. Anderson.

KEANU REEVES
That's good, but it really came from the first movie. Got anything else?

Suddenly, a bunch of other HUGO WEAVINGS show up. They FIGHT to VIDEO GAME MUSIC. Despite all of the enormous hype, it is extremely clear when the scene switches into CGI-mode.

HUGO WEAVING
Why are you using kung fu? Can't you jump inside us and delete us like in the last movie? Isn't that one of your super awesome powers?

KEANU REEVES
Nah, the only real new power I have is flight.

HUGO WEAVING
That ****s.

KEANU REEVES
Not as badly as my appearance when I do my little mid-air spin move with this pole.

He fights and fights and fights and eventually gives up and flies away.

INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR RESTAURANT

LAURENCE, CARRIE-ANNE, and KEANU enter the restaurant and talk to LAMBERT WILSON.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
We want Randall Duk Kim. I am totally dead serious here, as I always am.

LAMBERT WILSON
I won't give him to you, but you can use my girlfriend, Monica Belluci to go behind my back and get him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have some matrix sex.

MONICA BELLUCI
Grrr, I get so mad when he cheats on me. To spite him, I will give you Randall.

KEANU REEVES
Wait, you're a program right? So some machine actually specifically programmed you and gave you the ability to be jealous, conniving, and spiteful?

MONICA BELLUCI
Not only that, but they made me a hornball. I will only help if you make out with me.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
What? It's bad enough that the agents no longer pose any threat at all, but now these are the kind of obstacles we must overcome to save Zion? Make out with Monica Belluci? What will we have to do next, eat our way through a prison wall made of chocolate?

MONICA helps them and they escape with RANDALL DUK KIM in a car.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Hurry, we have to get Randall out of here!

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
And take him where, exactly?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Uhhhh.. away from the bad guys? It doesn't matter, we're just waiting for Neo to save us.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Don't you realize that without any real goal, this scene is utterly without tension, regardless of how cool it is, stylistically?

LAURENCE FISHBURNE
This is a matrix film, there's no point to anything other than style.

They are CHASED by TWO ALBINO RASTAFARIANS. More video game music plays in the background.

ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #1
We are utterly pointless.

ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #2
Yes we are.

Eventually, KEANU REEVES saves them all and takes them to a secret hideout.

INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CONFERENCE ROOM

LAURENCE, KEANU, CARRIE-ANNE, JADA, and VARIOUS OTHER REBELS meet with RANDALL DUK KIM.

RANDALL DUK KIM
To save your world, you must strike at exactly midnight.. it will require a complicated three-pronged attack...

AUDIENCE
Holy ****, we're at the climax of the film! I haven't seen anything from this in the trailer - it must be ****ing amazing, especially since it has to top the burly brawl and the car chase.

We see a montage of shots from the important mission while RANDALL and THE REBELS discuss the plan in voiceover. Once the discussion is over, the problem is solved. KEANU enters a ROOM OF LIGHT.

INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM

KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER.

KEANU REEVES
Who are you?

THE EXPLAINER
I am The Explainer. I designed the matrix screenplay. Unable to decently explain the convoluted plot well, I have resorted to putting myself here in the final act and having you ask all of the questions the audience wants to ask.
(dramatic pause)
You must begin by asking your own questions then gradually switch to asking those of the audience, in order to not make this scene any more awkward than it already is. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.

KEANU REEVES
Why am I here?

THE EXPLAINER
Many years ago, shortly before the success of Speed, you sold your soul to the devil in exchange for a promise of notoriety that your piss-poor acting skills do not deserve. This series is the actualization of this promise.

KEANU REEVES
What was the Osiris? And who was that kid in zion who kept pestering me?

THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to these questions by purchasing The Animatrix, a collection of nine animated shorts from some of Anime's top directors.

KEANU REEVES
Alright. Well, what was that crap Glora said about vampires and werewolves? And how did Jada Pinkett Smith get to Laurence Fishburne during the car chase? And what the hell happened during the power plant takeover climax that-wasn't?

THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to those questions by purchasing the Enter The Matrix game, available for Windows, Playstation2, Xbox, and Gamecube. Enter the Matrix features awesome gunplay and spectacular martial arts that bend the rules of the Matrix. This game isn't just set in the Matrix universe--it's an integral part of the experience, with a story that weaves in and out of The Matrix Reloaded. Enter the Matrix is the story behind the story.

KEANU REEVES
Fine! Then tell me this, what the hell is with Hugo Weaving saying he and I have some special connection? And how come I can control machines in the real world? And will we win the war if I don't choose the door to my right?

THE EXPLAINER
You will find the answers to these questions when you watch The Matrix Revolutions, coming later in 2003.

KEANU REEVES
I hate you.

THE EXPLAINER
Perhaps you should drink more Powerade.

KEANU REEVES
Just answer me one question. We're not going to find out that the real world is in another matrix, are we?

THE EXPLAINER
Christ I hope not.

KEANU leaves and flies to save CARRIE-ANNE MOSS from being shot. She is SHOT anyway. Then KEANU reaches into her matrix code and pulls out the bullet in a comical fashion.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
That was preposterous.

KEANU REEVES
Wait till you see what I do outside of the ship.

THE CREDITS roll, as DISC ONE of the soundtrack is played in its entirety.

END
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Old 29.03.2004, 13:37   #2
The Reloaded
 
Aram Hambardzumyan's Avatar
 
Join Date: 01 2002
Location: behind the flesh and gelatinе of soft dull eyes
Posts: 3,387
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Reputation: 146 | 4
Default кстати, еще и анекдоты :)

Надпись в титрах:
"При съемках фильма "Матрица: перезагрузка" ни одного агента Смита не пострадало".


Моpфеус: Hео, а чего это ты сегодня такой убитый и помятый?
Hео: Да как тебе сказать... Возвpащаюсь я давеча из матpицы в pеальность и возле телефонной будки откуда не возьмись появились 100 агентов Смитов... а этот pаздолбай опеpатоp... возьми, да и загpузи в меня вместо пpогpаммы кунг-фу пpогpамму пассивного-гея


Морфеус стоит на крыше небоскреба, держа брыкающиеся мужика за шкирман. Отпускает его...
Мужик: - А.... а!
Морфеус: - Нет, и это не избранный.


- Бля, вы мне что загрузили?! - кричал Нео, бегая с бензопилой за монстрами.


Лежит обнаженная Тринити на кровати, рядом стоит НЕО неуверенно перетаптываясь с ноги на ногу.
Достает телефон:
- Оператор
- Да
- Программу Камасутры.


Летит Нео спасать Тринити. Вдруг резко останавливается и начинает прыгать по 20 метров.
- Вот блядь! Опять матрица в своп упала!
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