Jokes *only* in English

[Jasy]

Let's post here jokes only in English.
Here is mine:

AIRLINE PILOT

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says,
"There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."

[ByTheWay]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

[Astro]

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Iranian lady.

He sees her Iranian passport and strikes up a conversation.

"So tell me," he says, "why does a country like Iran - with so much oil and gas - need a nuclear programme?"

The Iranian lady looks at him, a little puzzled.

"That's an interesting question," she says. "But let me ask you something first.

A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.

Why do you suppose that is?

The American guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies: "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Oh, I see," says the Iranian, "so how is it you feel qualified to discuss Iran's nuclear programme when you don't know s**t?"

[hex]

jogeleq angleren karch humor chi linum...

[ByTheWay]

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go **** herself!"

[Obelix]

Originally Posted by hex

jogeleq angleren karch humor chi linum...

How do you get to Carnagie Hall?
Practice, practice, practice...

[Dorothy]

Originally Posted by Obelix

How do you get to Carnagie Hall?
Practice, practice, practice...

[Naffy]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
costume party."

[Astro]

A man visits a farm and sees a three legged sheep. He tells the farmer "you must really love your animals to keep a disabled sheep like that."

The farmer smiles. "Well," he says, "she is a show sheep and won many a prize for me in her time plus when my daughter fell into the lake and nearly drowned, the sheep jumped in and saved her life!"

The visitor is very impressed. "And so is that how she lost her leg?"

"No," the farmer responds, "but you don't eat a sheep like that all at once".

[Astro]

I really liked this joke, and thought to post it in other section of the forum, but for now it'll stay here.

Last Christmas I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse
of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Astro]

An evangelical preacher, determined to offer a graphic representation of the results of Sin, conducted an experiment in front of his congregation.

He had containers filled with alcohol, cigarette smoke and chocolate, and put a live worm in each.

"Next Sunday," he told his congregation, "we shall see the results of this experiment in over-indulgence and the wages of sin ...."

The following Sunday from the pulpit he emptied each of the containers in turn, and three dead worms fell to the floor of the church one after the other.

"Now," the preacher boomed at the congregation, "would anyone like to tell me the moral of this little experiment?"

The congregation remained silent until a little girl from the front responded: "I think I know, reverend."

The preacher smiled. "Go ahead, my dear."

"Is it ... is it ... that if you smoke cigarettes, drink whisky and eat a lot of chocolate, you won't get worms?"

[Astro]

After over-indulgence at New Year I was desperate for more time off but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave and would be suspicious if I threw a sickie. So I thought that maybe if I acted a bit crazy and under stress then maybe he would let me take a break. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My colleague (who's blonde) asked me: "What on earth are you doing?"

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss himself came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He looked concerned. "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my blonde colleague got her things and started to follow me the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Astro]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years.


hearse |hərs| noun a vehicle for conveying the coffin at a funeral.