Jokes *only* in English

[Jasy]

Let's post here jokes only in English.
Here is mine:

AIRLINE PILOT

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says,
"There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."

[Jasy]

From my old posts ...

Originally Posted by Jasy

New Neighbours

New Neighbours A Waterford wife was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours. "They seem perfectly devoted to each other," she told her husband.

He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?"

"I hardly know the woman"

Saddam likes football too

The trial of Saddam Hussein has ended with the verdict that the former Iraqi leader is to be shot by a firing squad. However, as a concession to his role as former head of state, he is to be allowed to choose the members of the firing squad. Saddam Hussein has chosen: Lampard, Gerrard, Beckham, Cole, Rooney, Crouch...

A drunken man and the Pope

A drunken man, smelling heavily of beer sat down on a tube train next to a Priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Forever Child]

Cool. I want to hear more.

Nymphomaniacal Jill
Tried dynomite for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

For Russian version of this contact Partizanka. It starts as follows
Дочь пиротехника, девочка Рита...

[Forever Child]

Another one...

A man goes to doctor, and says :
"Oh doc, what's wrong with me ? When I push my leg, it hurts ,
When I push my chest, it hurts , When I push my head, it hurts...
Actually, anywhere I push, it hurts...."
To which the Doc replies :
"Ah I see. What we have here is a broken finger..."

[Forever Child]

How do you sink a swedish submarine?
Knock on the door!

How do you sink the same swedish submarine a second time?
Knock on the door again. The captain will open the door
and tell you, that this trick doesn't work anymore.

[Forever Child]

And a sad one.

Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.

[Forever Child]

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse,
And now its wool is nylon.

Mary had a little lamb ,
It had good fun and frolics.
One day it jumped up in the air,
And landed on it's bollocks.

Mary had a little lamb,
Mary had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece,
To see if they would..............play.

[Forever Child]

In heaven, the cooks are french, the engineers are german, the policemen are british, the heartthrobs are italian, and the bankers are swiss. In hell, the cooks are british, the engineers are french, the policemen are italian, the heartthrobs are german, and the bankers are still swiss.

[Forever Child]

A kid walks into the bathroom and sees daddy just about to put a condom on. Suprised, he drops to the floor to hide himself.
"What are you doing daddy?" asks the kid.
"Err...I thought I saw a mouse down here!"he says.
"What were you gonna do? Fuсk it?"

[Forever Child]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[Forever Child]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[Jasy]

This is my favourite one

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

[ByTheWay]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

[ByTheWay]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes it's because you're blonde."
The next, the girl came home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey,it's because you're 24!!"

[Astro]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."