What to say...

[PsilocybeLarvae]

What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in
the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal
bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

1. The police photographer is still here, and the county
medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can
you call back a little later?

2. Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address.
As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security
wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

3. What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The
battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is
that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

4. I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or
what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting
hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

5. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any
minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it.
Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

6. Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back.
The better business people said I need more positive identification to
file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone
number. Hello? Hello?

7. The number you have called is a working number like
you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the
company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our
personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take
credit cards.

8. Sorry to cut you off like this but Uncle Harry is choking on
something.

9. The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to
talk to...

10. Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I
should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind
of drugs did you say you were selling?