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Old 04.11.2005, 09:48   #1
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Post Rain in the City

Rain in the City


There she stood by the door with a bag in her hand
She was ready to leave for a faraway land.
And she would take taxi to drive her away
And the rain in the city should clean up her way.

The girl on the street looked again at the clock.
The time was too late and the shops had been locked.
A lonely musician was singing a song
That the rain in the city could never be wrong.

She suddenly smiled and she took off her hat.
Well she was so happy and she was so wet.
She felt the new freedom was boiling in veins.
She walked to the cab. She stepped through the rain.

(c) Reckon_, 01 Oct 2002


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Еще не жаль огня, и Бог хранит меня... (с) А. Макаревич

Когда я трезв, я - Муму и Герасим, мама;
А так я - Война и Мир. (c) БГ

Last edited by Reckon_; 04.11.2005 at 13:04.
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Old 04.11.2005, 09:53   #2
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I like it
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Old 04.11.2005, 09:57   #3
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Yeah, it was really nice !
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Old 04.11.2005, 11:47   #4
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Some bits of criticism from me

<b>Well she stood by the door with a bag in her hand</b>

I suggest making it "There she stood by the door". ”Well she stood” looks like a replic of something else (well she stood in the doorway (c) Eagles) and I don't think it is very meaningful, either.

<b>In order to leave for a faraway land. </b>

"In order" is so bureaucratic for poetry. Suggestion – ready to leave for a faraway land

<b>And she would take taxi to take her away</b>

Too many ”take”-s in one line– why don’t you go for ”rush her away”?

<b>And the rain in the city should clean up her way. </b>

Am not sure about rhyming ”way” with ”away”, but that requires more thinking I’ll leave it up to you

The rest looks better, at least, as a non-native speaker, I see no obvious problems

This was no nagging, just an attempt to help you
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Old 04.11.2005, 11:54   #5
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also - the girl IN the street or ON the street.

and in English you don't "feel how freedom boiled" you feel the freedom boil...

Gosh, sorry Reckon, I'm just a former English teacher and an editor Will make no more nasty remarks...
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Old 04.11.2005, 12:00   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by august
...also - the girl IN the street or ON the street....
btw, "ON the street" is right too...
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Old 04.11.2005, 12:03   #7
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что это маэстро потянуло на олбанский?
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Old 04.11.2005, 12:04   #8
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Shauri, exactly but as far as I know it's never "at the street"
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Old 04.11.2005, 12:09   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by august
Shauri, exactly but as far as I know it's never "at the street"
oh, sorry, I thought Reckon had used "on"
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Old 04.11.2005, 12:59   #10
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Спасибо за ценные замечания. Уже исправил.
Насчет албанского - я не волшебник, а только учусь.
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Old 04.11.2005, 13:24   #11
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Атмосфера...
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