The Simpsons Quotes

[Elvis_Jr]

Homer: "Trying is the first step towards failiure."

Bleeding Gums Murphy: "The Blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel worse, and making a few bucks while you're at it."

Homer: "Yeah, that team really ****ed last night. They were the ****iest bunch of ****s that ever ****ed. Sorry, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening."

Mr. Largo: "Do you find something funny with the word Tromboner?"
Sherrie: "She was laughing at Nelson!"
Entire class: "Lisa likes Nelson!"
Milhouse: "No she doesn't!"
Entire class: "Milhouse likes Lisa!"
Janey: "No he doesn't!"
Entire class: "Janey likes Milhouse!"
Mr. Largo: "Nobody likes Milhouse!"

Abe: "My Homer is not a communist! He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist...but he is not a porn star!"

Homer: "Come on kids, lets go home"
Lisa: "Dad, we are home"
Homer: "That was fast"

Homer: "Life's one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead."


Homer: "Son, a woman is like a beer: they look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one, and you can't stop at just one."

Kearney: "I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your
kids and if they get out of line [smacks fist in palm] -- Pow!"
Homer: "I like him."
Kearney: "Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor?"
Homer: "I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib."
Marge: "I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for."
Kearney: [sotto voce] "You're tellin' me, you blue-haired witch."
Marge: "I heard that!

Marge: "But I fell in love with Homer Simpson! I don't want to
snuggle with 'Max Power.'"
Homer: "Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and
feel the Cheese!"
Marge: "Oh, Lord."
Homer: "And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh, no. I'm taking
charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right
way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!"
Bart: "Isn't that the wrong way?"
Homer: "Yeah, but faster!"

Homer: "Jesus, Allah, Buddah, I love you all!"

Homer: "...In theory, communism works, in theory."

Homer: "What is a wedding? Websters defines it as a process of removing weeds from ones garden."

Bart and Homer: "You don't win friends with salad!"

Homer: "Save me Jebus!!"
Jimbo: "You kissed a girl, that is so gay."

Homer: "Don't You Hate Pants?"
Homer: "Women will like what i tell them to like!"

Homer: "Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!"

Ralph Wiggum: "The doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there."

Homer: "Marge, I swear I never touched her. You know how bashfull I am. I can't even say the word titmouse without giggling like a school girl....heeheehee...heeheehee."

Marge: "Your father traded the tools for M&M's... AGAIN."

Apu: "Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work."
Lisa: ""Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?"
Nelson: "I dunno. Gotta nuke something."
Moe: "Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love. "

Bart: "I am through with working. Working is for chumps."
Homer: "Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age before I figured that out."

Dr. Hibbert: "I'm afraid that legs going to have to come off."
(Bart and Homer gasp)
Dr. Hibbert: "Did I say leg? I meant that wet bathing suit."

Ralph: "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me."

Principal Skinner: "Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it."

Smithers: "Should we dump another batch of nuclear waste in the playground, sir?
Mr Burns: No, all the bald children are arousing suspicion."

Apu: "Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work."

Chief Wiggum: "Oh, sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?"

Lisa: ""Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?"
Nelson: "I dunno. Gotta nuke something."
Moe: "Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love. "

Marge: "You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done."

Bart: "I am through with working. Working is for chumps."
Homer: "Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age before I figured that out."

Dr. Hibbert: "I'm afraid that legs going to have to come off."
(Bart and Homer gasp)
Dr. Hibbert: "Did I say leg? I meant that wet bathing suit."

Ralph: "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me."

Principal Skinner: "Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it."

Moe (looking in a large mirror): "You talkin to me? Are you talkin to me? (He swings his arm forward, but his gun flies straight into the mirror, cracking it) Awwwwww crap. Well, that was an antique."

Mr Burns: "The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?"

Chief Wiggum: "Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me 'Chief Piggum'!"

Jasper: "What's eatin' you, Abe? For three weeks, all you been talkin' 'bout was meeting Matlock. Now you met him, swiped his pills..."

Flanders (angry, pointing at Homer): "Oh can't you see this man isn't a hero! He's annoying, very, very annoying!"

Milhouse: "I have nothing to offer you but my love."
Mr. Burns: "I specifically said 'No geeks'!"
Milhouse: "But my mom thinks I'm cool..."

Kent Brockman: "A certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm."

Box-Factory Exec: "I'm not sure what kind of factory you're thinking of; we just make boxes here."

Comic Book Guy: "But I'll lose all my customers to Frodo's of Shelbyville!"

Smithers: "Should we dump another batch of nuclear waste in the playground, sir?
Mr Burns: No, all the bald children are arousing suspicion."

Chief Wiggum: "Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be "policing" the entire city."

Lisa: "Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaah!"

Groundskeeper Willie: "If you're da-da goes ga-ga, you use that shinning of
yours and Willie'll come and save you. "
Bart: "Don't you mean 'shining'?"
Groundskeeper Willie: "Sssshh! You wanna get sued?"

Homer: "If I was at a Barbecue, and there was no meat, I'd be like "Hey Goober, where's the meat?" You don't win friends with salad, Lisa."
Bart (singing): "You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!"
(Homer joins in and they start a conga line)

Mr Burns: "Have any of you seen the sun set at three pm?"
Captain McCallister: "Aye, once, whiel I was sailing round the Arctic circ.."

Lisa: "Look, there's only one way to settle this: Rock, Paper, Scissors."
Lisa's brain: "Poor predictable Bart, always takes rock."
Bart's brain: "Good ol' rock, nothin' beats that!"
Bart: "Rock!"
Lisa: "Paper!"
Bart: "D'oh!"