 |
Rain in the City |
 |
04.11.2005, 09:48
|
#1
|
|
Честный Кот
Join Date: 04 2004
Location: Yerevan
Age: 49
Posts: 1,844
Rep Power: 5
|
Rain in the City
Rain in the City
There she stood by the door with a bag in her hand
She was ready to leave for a faraway land.
And she would take taxi to drive her away
And the rain in the city should clean up her way.
The girl on the street looked again at the clock.
The time was too late and the shops had been locked.
A lonely musician was singing a song
That the rain in the city could never be wrong.
She suddenly smiled and she took off her hat.
Well she was so happy and she was so wet.
She felt the new freedom was boiling in veins.
She walked to the cab. She stepped through the rain.
(c) Reckon_, 01 Oct 2002
__________________
Честный Кот
------------------------------------------------------
Еще не жаль огня, и Бог хранит меня... (с) А. Макаревич
Когда я трезв, я - Муму и Герасим, мама;
А так я - Война и Мир. (c) БГ
Last edited by Reckon_; 04.11.2005 at 13:04.
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 09:53
|
#2
|
|
eco-friendly
Join Date: 10 2002
Location: обчество
Age: 41
Posts: 16,786
Rep Power: 8
|
I like it 
__________________
I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.
Mark Twain |
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 09:57
|
#3
|
|
Cтихийное бедствие
Join Date: 04 2005
Location: В плену у безнадёжности
Age: 41
Posts: 2,073
Rep Power: 5
|
Yeah, it was really nice !
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 11:47
|
#4
|
|
սև, մունդառ ու մանրմունր
Join Date: 07 2003
Location: in my life
Age: 47
Posts: 5,953
Rep Power: 6
|
Some bits of criticism from me
<b>Well she stood by the door with a bag in her hand</b>
I suggest making it "There she stood by the door". ”Well she stood” looks like a replic of something else (well she stood in the doorway (c) Eagles) and I don't think it is very meaningful, either.
<b>In order to leave for a faraway land. </b>
"In order" is so bureaucratic for poetry. Suggestion – ready to leave for a faraway land
<b>And she would take taxi to take her away</b>
Too many ”take”-s in one line– why don’t you go for ”rush her away”?
<b>And the rain in the city should clean up her way. </b>
Am not sure about rhyming ”way” with ”away”, but that requires more thinking I’ll leave it up to you
The rest looks better, at least, as a non-native speaker, I see no obvious problems
This was no nagging, just an attempt to help you
__________________
Сам ты, Бяшка, сип белоголовый!
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 11:54
|
#5
|
|
սև, մունդառ ու մանրմունր
Join Date: 07 2003
Location: in my life
Age: 47
Posts: 5,953
Rep Power: 6
|
also - the girl IN the street or ON the street.
and in English you don't "feel how freedom boiled" you feel the freedom boil...
Gosh, sorry Reckon, I'm just a former English teacher and an editor  Will make no more nasty remarks...
__________________
Сам ты, Бяшка, сип белоголовый!
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 12:00
|
#6
|
|
Cтихийное бедствие
Join Date: 04 2005
Location: В плену у безнадёжности
Age: 41
Posts: 2,073
Rep Power: 5
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by august
...also - the girl IN the street or ON the street....
|
btw, "ON the street" is right too...
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 12:03
|
#7
|
|
сексуальный слон
Join Date: 08 2004
Location: HarmonY
Age: 45
Posts: 6,827
Rep Power: 6
|
что это маэстро потянуло на олбанский?
__________________
кто любит, тот любим
кто светел, тот и свят
Too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run...(c.)
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 12:04
|
#8
|
|
սև, մունդառ ու մանրմունր
Join Date: 07 2003
Location: in my life
Age: 47
Posts: 5,953
Rep Power: 6
|
Shauri, exactly but as far as I know it's never "at the street"
__________________
Сам ты, Бяшка, сип белоголовый!
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 12:09
|
#9
|
|
Cтихийное бедствие
Join Date: 04 2005
Location: В плену у безнадёжности
Age: 41
Posts: 2,073
Rep Power: 5
|
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by august
Shauri, exactly but as far as I know it's never "at the street" |
oh, sorry, I thought Reckon had used "on"
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 12:59
|
#10
|
|
Честный Кот
Join Date: 04 2004
Location: Yerevan
Age: 49
Posts: 1,844
Rep Power: 5
|
Спасибо за ценные замечания. Уже исправил.
Насчет албанского - я не волшебник, а только учусь.
__________________
Честный Кот
------------------------------------------------------
Еще не жаль огня, и Бог хранит меня... (с) А. Макаревич
Когда я трезв, я - Муму и Герасим, мама;
А так я - Война и Мир. (c) БГ
|
|
|
|
|
04.11.2005, 13:24
|
#11
|
|
Wild child, full of grace
Join Date: 07 2005
Location: Город
Age: 40
Posts: 4,354
Rep Power: 5
|
Атмосфера...
__________________
Я вам расскажу - вы прямо будете рыдать...
|
|
|
|
|
All times are GMT. The time now is 12:31. |
|
|
